First Year Experience & Students in Transition

by Dr. Michael Sunnafrank Professor, Dept. of Communication

Will your roommate become a life-long best friend? Or will you get the “roommate from hell” you have undoubtedly heard is lurking out there for the unwary first year student? Probably neither. So what kind of relationship should you and your roommate expect? Your best bet for a good relationship is to develop an arrangement in which you coordinate your lives to avoid irritating one another. There is no magic formula in developing one of these good roommate relationships. However, research at UMD reveals that certain conflict issues come up in many roommate relationships.

Issue #1 “My room is possessed!” or the problem of the ever-present roommate. Everyone needs some time alone as well as a life away from “The Room.” You both must quickly get involved and develop a life at UMD. Coordinate room time now by setting aside certain evenings, mornings, afternoons, and weekend times when the room will be available for the exclusive use of each roommate. Just an hour or two at a time is all that is needed.

Issue #2 “What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine” or the problem of separating community and private property. Is one of you bringing the television or are you buying it together? Whichever you do, the television should be treated as community property. Are you both bringing stereos (if so, both should bring headphones) or are you just going to have one stereo and will this be community property? Can my friends sit on your bed? How do we divide up the refrigerator space or the floor space? Do we share clothes? Food? Get the point?

Issue #3 “Is this a pig sty or a museum?” or the neatness problem. This problem arises when one of you prefers things to be kept neater than the other does. Both of you may have to compromise to work this out. Obviously, if I can’t stand a sloppy room, it won’t do much good to just have my side neat (I have to look at your side). Just as obviously, if I want to dust and polish things every day, I can’t expect you to do the same.

Issue #4 “It’s a party!” or the overly sociable roommate problem. Remember this is a shared room. Having visitors during your exclusive room time (see #1) is fine. Any other time should be cleared beforehand with your roommate. The best approach is to have a “curfew” time set for visiting. Also remember that you are responsible for any problems created by your visitors (breakage, messes, etc.) and your visitors need to respect your roommate’s privacy and property.

Issue #5 “Turn that crap off” or the problem of different tastes in shows, movies, and music. If there are big taste differences, this problem gets more difficult. Investing in one or two good sets of headphones and two stereos is probably the answer. Just agree to never play the stereo without the headphones when your roommate is home. If you don’t have a television that takes headphones, you will need to set times when the set can be on and equally share times for choosing what to watch.

Issue #6 “Forget it!” or avoiding discussion of important roommate issues. This most likely starts at the beginning of the relationship. Strangers and new acquaintances tend to avoid topics that have the potential to lead to disagreement. This can work for people who don’t have anything important to disagree upon. However, it doesn’t work for roommates because of the high numbers of ways you can influence one another’s lives. We would all like things to just work out without having to work at it, discuss it, or argue about it. Things just do not work that way. Talk about the above issues as soon as possible. Avoiding them and others that will come up will almost inevitably produce problems, some of which will be serious.

Issue #7 “What the %#$@ time is it?” or what happens when an early bird is in the same nest with a night owl? Remember, it is not your business to reform your roommate’s sleep patterns. If you can conveniently do so, leave the room when your roommate is sleeping. If not, keep noise/movement/light to a minimum (and never have visitors over). Headphones and study lights come in handy here. If you can’t use headphones on the television, then keep it turned off when your roommate is sleeping. The sleeper can also help by investing in some good earplugs to keep the sound out and a sleep mask to keep the light out.

 

Successfully averting or reducing conflict in the above areas will go a long way toward making your life easier. I strongly recommend that you and your roommate resolve these issues even before you move in together. You can take care of many of these concerns via email or in phone conversations. If you do, your first days together will go much more smoothly. If you cannot resolve these issues now, you should plan to discuss them during your first days together on campus.